Gottman dating advice can be found in many different places, but how do you know if it’s really going to work for your relationship? After all, every relationship is different. The best way to find out if Gottman’s methods are right for you is to try them out for yourself. Check out the rest of this article to see how you can use Gottman’s advice to make your relationship last.
Recognize that love is not a feeling
Even if you feel “in love” or “lucky in love” right now, that tells you only about how you feel at this moment and may not accurately reflect your long-term feelings or intentions. To figure that out, you have to learn the difference between being in love and loving. If you confuse the two, you will inevitably end up with a less-than-happy or even painful relationship.
Love is not a feeling
It might sound odd, but love is not a feeling, at least not entirely. It actually has to do with how you think and react to your partner. If you view your relationship as an attachment, then you’ll be more likely to fight over who gets to control the relationship, and this type of relationship will not last very long. If, on the other hand, you view your relationship as a partnership, you’ll be willing to make more sacrifices for your partner, which will increase your love for each other. Additionally, since you’ll be willing to make more sacrifices, you’re likely to trust your partner more and your relationship will be more intimate and genuine.
Love is not something you feel and then express
One of the most common misconceptions about love is that it is a feeling you have and then express. If you believe this, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. It is the thoughts, beliefs, and actions you have that determine your feelings. If you are afraid to express your love for your partner, you will not feel very much love. On the contrary, if you express your love freely, you will feel more loving towards your partner and your relationship will flourish. No matter how you express love, if it is genuine you will feel happier and more satisfied than you ever did before.
Love is a choice
Every relationship is a choice. You can choose to stay in your current relationship or you can choose to work on improving it. You can choose to love your current partner and work to keep the relationship strong or you can choose to walk away from it. Relationships are a choice.
Love is about being there
A relationship is more than just the feelings you have for each other. It’s about being with someone. Even if you feel romantic love for your partner, you can still be unhappy in your relationship if you’re not getting enough time together. Relationships require an investment and sacrifice. You can’t do them alone. If you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to recognize that love is about being there for your partner.
Avoid power struggles
Power struggles are one of the biggest causes of relationship trouble. They can happen in any area of your relationship, including conflict over money, sex, chores, kids and pretty much anything else that involves two people trying to get something from each other. If there’s a lot of power struggle in your relationship, you probably don’t feel like you have equal power. This makes it hard for you to trust your partner and opens the door for them to take advantage of you.
Avoid power struggles by asking thoughtful questions
Asking thoughtful questions allows your partner to express their feelings and explain them. They feel heard and valued. When you ask questions that show you care about what they have to say, they’re more likely to open up and tell you what’s really going on. In return, you can show them that you care and listen to what they have to say. That’s a relationship that will last!
Try asking questions that require a yes or no answer
Avoid asking questions where the answer is not black and white. If you want to know how someone feels about you, ask them how they feel about you. If you want to know if they’re still interested in you, ask them if they still want to be with you. Try to avoid asking questions that leave people feeling confused or frustrated. You don’t want to add to the chaos in your relationship by asking questions that cause conflict.
Ask questions that will help you understand what the other person is trying to convey to you
If you want to better understand what your partner is trying to express, ask them what they are trying to say. This can be done in a supportive way by asking questions that show genuine interest in them. Be careful not to ask questions that put someone on the defensive or seem to indicate you are trying to attack them.
If you notice that the other person is getting angry or irritated, ask them to hold off on responding until you’ve had a chance to respond
Have you ever been in a relationship where you started to feel angry and irritable yourself because your partner wouldn’t stop talking to you? If so, you might be in a power struggle. When you’re in a power struggle, neither person is willing to negotiate. This can lead to frustration and anger, and it can quickly take a turn for the worse. When you’re in a power struggle, neither of you is in a position to make a compromise or to negotiate an agreement.
Don’t fight for sexual exclusivity
While sexual exclusivity is a highly romantic idea, it’s not something you can force your partner to do. They need to be willing to try being with other people and to be interested in you enough to want to stay committed to you. If they’re not, then the relationship shouldn’t continue. If they want to try other people, talk to them about it, and decide if they’re willing to make the relationship exclusive for a while.
There is no such thing as sexual monogamy
If you struggle with having sex with other people while in a relationship, it’s because you are expecting your partner to satisfy all of your sexual needs. You are setting yourself up to be disappointed and angry every time your partner cannot do that, and this will cause you to question your relationship and your partner’s love for you. If you want to be sexual with multiple partners, then you need to be willing to be sexual with your partner as well.
Both partners should be clear and open about their sexual needs and fantasies
If one (or both) partners is not comfortable with sexual experimentation or with the idea of being with multiple partners, it can lead to frustration and resentment. Being clear about what you want and expect can help to prevent sexual frustration and conflict. Be honest about your sexual fantasies and what you want from sex. If you’re not sure what you want, seek professional help to learn more about your sexual interests and how to communicate them to your partner.
Understand that you can still be sexually fulfilled outside of a monogamous relationship
If you or your partner struggles with sexual monogamy, it does not mean that you struggle with being sexual in general. You may just struggle with the thought of having sex with one person for the rest of your life.
Don’t take romantic actions that aren’t reciprocated
Sometimes the person you’re dating says they’re interested in you, but you notice that they don’t seem to be as interested in you as you are in them. This can be incredibly confusing. If you don’t feel that your partner is being honest with you about how they feel, that is not a loving relationship. In fact, it’s a relationship based on dishonesty. If you want to know whether or not someone is serious about you, you need to ask them how they feel about you. If they get evasive, or if they start telling you what you want to hear, that is a clear sign that they aren’t interested in you in that romantic way. If you continue to pursue a romantic relationship with someone who is not interested in you, you will continue to be unhappy.
Don’t text or call them when they’re not interested
It’s important to take your relationship to the next level by not pressuring your partner to be interested in you when they’re not ready. If they’re not interested in you right now, that doesn’t mean they never will be. You can show them that you care by being supportive and loving, but do not pressure them to reciprocate your romantic actions until they’re ready. If they’re not ready to date, they won’t be when you push them.
Avoid flirting or other sexualized activities
Avoid flirting or sexualized activities outside of your relationship and definitely don’t engage in sex with someone who isn’t your committed partner. The more you engage in sexualized activities outside of your committed relationship, the more you risk losing your commitment to your partner. Your partner may feel insecure about your sexual desires and wonder if you truly love them. If you don’t want to lose your partner, make sure you only engage in sexual activities with them.
Don’t make them wait or keep them guessing
It’s really tempting to take your time building a relationship and not share every part of your lives, but it’s essential to let your partner know when you’re feeling particularly romantic. If you’re not ready to jump into bed, let your partner know that you’re interested in them and want to keep exploring. When you have the chance to be intimate, let your partner know that you’re interested in them and what makes them feel sexy.
Don’t use social media to keep them updated
If people aren’t paying attention when they’re with you in person, why should they pay attention to what you post on social media? Your partners should be able to talk to you in real life and not just scroll through your Instagram or Facebook feed.
In conclusion, if you want your relationship to last, following Gottman’s dating advice is a great start. Take the time to get to know your partner, communicate openly and honestly, and be willing to work on your relationship. With effort and understanding, you can make your relationship last.
